Wanderings

My head takes me to a different time and a different place. It's somewhere around eleven o'clock in the morning there, a city I hadn't seen for almost twenty years. The famous bridge looking over a beautiful harbour, ferries sailing across from Circular Quay to oddly named suburbs like Manly, the shell-shaped opera house that its creator never lived to see completed.

I have fond memories of Sydney. It presented me with my first experiences of rugby and cricket, and even my first ever international football match. The beach was never more than twenty minutes away and so much of life was based on being outdoors. As we were chilling in the big freeze in London, the person I was calling was enjoying their summer. Well, all except for the cricket scores.

It's not a habit of mine, making long-distance calls from other people's phones, but this time, I have no other choice. Leon lived on his own, his nearest living relative the son we were now trying to reach. Friendly neighbours were plentiful, but how friendly they would be if woken at midnight was another question. The police had found him wandering the streets in the middle of the night, dressed in nothing but a dressing gown and slippers. He had no money and no keys with him, and was completely lost. The police had discovered his address, and luckily he had a key-safe by the front door to which he somehow remembered the number so they could get back in. The police then called on us just to "check him out" and put his mind at ease.

Physically, Leon was fine. His numbers all added up, he felt generally well, but from what we could ascertain he had never before gone strolling in the middle of the night. He also couldn't remember where he lived, and didn't recognise the fact that when the police found him they were only a block away from home.

Dementia was listed as his only medical condition, and having finally got through to his son, we discovered that it was still fairly mild. His short term memory was affected intermittently, but he would normally function day-to-day quite happily and capably on his own. He had a cleaner come in once a week who would also take him shopping since he'd had to give up driving. Otherwise, he did everything on his own.

Nocturnal travels, however, were a new, potentially hazardous occurrence, and left us all with a problem.

I was loathed to take Leon to hospital, but had no other way to guarantee his safety. There was no-one we could ask to come and stay the night, just to make sure he stayed home. Leon was reluctant, and his son even more so, but both saw the logic to the argument that we couldn't just leave him alone. Hopefully the hospital would be able to care for him until his son arrived from the other side of the world.

"We've been thinking about a residential home for Dad." He tells me that they'd had honest discussions, and that the plans were in the pipelines. Now they'd have to be brought forwards. "I can be there in thirty-six hours."

"Don't forget it's winter here," I told him.

"Oh, I know. I'll say goodbye to summer as soon as I take off from the airport."

As we all stroll out to the ambulance, my mind takes its own little walk and wanders back again to Sydney's Kingsford-Smith, my last sight of it, and its runway that ends in the beautiful blue sea.

Worldwide Alert

The threat of international terrorism is rising worldwide. More is being done to prepare the common person for this threat, as governments the world over are trying to defeat it. The way your government is dealing with it, depends on where you are in the world. Here are the latest updates from the International Ministry of Funny Farms:

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats, and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards". They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile, and as usual, are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies "just in case".

Canada doesn't have any alert levels.

New Zealand has raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA". Due to continuing defense cutbacks, New Zealand has only one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
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Have a safe, peaceful and smiley weekend - and Happy Thanksgiving weekend to our American brethren.
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Edit: I wish I could say this was my own work, but it isn't. It was sent to me, and I felt it was too good not to share...