Intact

As luck would have it,

we were on the way to a patient and not transporting at the time.

As luck would have it,

they were stood at the side of the road and not above it.

As luck would have it,

the brick shattered the glass in the back, not the front.

As luck would have it,

the trolley caught the brunt of the hit and not us.

Stupid kids.

Stupid games.

Lucky break.

But our patient had to wait for an ambulance that had all of its windows intact.

Familiar Arms

Wrapped in blankets almost up to her eyes, Liana's barely visible. Naz, her husband, met us at the door with a roll of the eyes, as if to say here we go again. It takes a few minutes before we coax the first words out of her and longer still until we could calm her breathing enough to be able to have a conversation. A little boy of about three, a mix of Middle Eastern features and Eastern European pallor, runs around the house without a care in the world. Every few minutes he would come back in to check on what was happening and satisfied that there was nothing untoward, would go back to playing.

Naz never left the room for more than a few seconds at a time. He stood by the door, watching our every move, listening to every word. 

"Is Liana on any medication?" I ask him. 

"Only some painkillers when she needs them." 

"Do you have the packet?"

"I'll go and find it." 

The moment he leaves, Liana moves the blankets a little away from her face. 

"Liana, do you want to tell us what's wrong? What's got you so upset?" 

She shakes her head so violently that the straight-flowing tears suddenly zigzag their way down her cheeks. But she can't bring herself to say it. She just looks in the direction of the door and a shiver runs through her. When Naz comes back, I suggest that we need to do some more checks in the ambulance.

"I'll come with you." It's a demand rather than a request.

"Why don't you stay here with the little one, we'll just be a few minutes, do a few checks, then we can decide what the best plan is." 

Reluctantly, he agrees, but tells us he would just get their son ready and then he would be down too. In the time it takes him to find coats and shoes, we've already got half a story and realise that we need to get Liana away from home. She told us a little of the terror she faces at home every day, how she's not allowed friends, how her family have been kept away, how the threats of harming their child make sure she's kept on a short leash. Before she can tell us any more, the door to the ambulance swings open and Liana jumps in fear.

"Well, what are you doing with her? She doesn't need hospital, you know. She just needs to get back home and calm down. She's always doing this." 

"Where's your boy?" 

He shuffles slightly aside to show us a frightened shell of a child, totally different from the one we met upstairs. 

"I think we need to take Liana to hospital. Her pulse and blood pressure are a little concerning, so we want a doctor to look at her." It's a white lie, one we hoped was real enough for him to accept. 

"You're sure, yes?" 

"I'm sure." 

"Can I come with you?" 

"Why don't you come in your car, then you've got a way of coming home?" 

"Fine. But I don't want this child crying all the way there. You can take him too." 

"Not a problem. We'll look after them both. We're only going to the nearest hospital."

"I'll be a few minutes behind you. I go to the emergency department?" 

"Indeed." 

For the few minutes in the ambulance, Liana was silent. Her little boy had calmed down a little, a combination of glove balloons and a bottle of bubbles easing his fears. He even managed a laugh when one of the bubbles flew up to the roof of the ambulance, drifted slowly down and suddenly popped on his nose. As we arrive at the hospital, an all too familiar queue appears in front of us, with two other crews and their patients waiting for triage. It gives us some more time to talk, but Liana chooses to keep quiet. 

As we reach the front of the line, I have one final chance. 

"Has he ever hit you?" 

A single tear escapes and rolls down her face, as a confused little boy wipes it away for her. She leans forward, kisses him on the head and lifts the back of her shirt. She's black and blue from top to bottom. Belt marks, cigarette burns and crude, jagged cuts cover her entire back. 

"Please don't tell anyone. Please!" Her plea is barely audible, no more than a tormented whisper.

"Liana, I don't have a choice. Some of these wounds need treatment. I have to tell the nurse."

After more tears and pleads, once we promise that both she and her little boy will be looked after, she finally agrees. Having waited almost half an hour, we hand over just as Naz walks into the department and immediately all the eyes turn on him. 

"You told them, didn't you? I told you what would happen if you told anyone!" His screams make every other person in the department turn around and make me clutch on to the little boy. "What are you all looking at? She deserved it!" 

A security guard hurries over and after a bit of a struggle promptly removes Naz from the department, all the while calling for police over the radio. Liana breathes a sigh of relief and holds on tightly to her little boy who I've handed back into familiar arms.

Threatened

I'm not entirely certain what I'd done to offend you, other than come in to help save your mother's life (which would be the last on my list of things to get ticked off about), but as it seems clear that I have upset you in some way, allow me to offer you a little bit of advice. 

If you're going to threaten, in a language other than English, to kill me and my family, maybe you should check one thing first - check that I don't understand what you're saying. 

Otherwise, you will be left with only one of two options: 

Either you leave the house. 

Or I do. 

Seeing as I'm the one with the knowledge, skills and equipment to actually help your ailing relative, I would suggest the first option as the more prudent of the two. Acting all innocent and pretending that you didn't say what I heard, or didn't mean what you said, or, more likely, didn't mean for me to hear and understand it, is all a little bit too late. 

A moment passes, you stand your ground, shout at all those around you. Even your family know you're in the wrong, that you've been rumbled. They want you out as much as I do, but you refuse to leave, or at the very least, apologise. As I stand up to leave, having made sure to leave the oxygen with the patient so that she suffers a little less, you block my path, holding a fist up to my face. 

"I'll kill you if you leave!" 

"A second ago you were threatening to kill me if I stayed. Now make your mind up. Either get out of my way, let me out of the house and you can deal with the consequences, or you can leave and let me treat your mother. Your choice, but the longer we stand here, the worse things get for her." 

You shout some more, a mix of languages. You push your brother out the way, storm out to the street and slam the door behind you. 

After you leave, several sighs of relief can be heard, and amongst them one voice, quiet and muffled by a plastic oxygen mask. 

"Good choice, son." 

Bother vs Bovvered

Rule number one of EMS:

The likelihood of a patient apologising for calling the ambulance,

is diametrically opposed

to the patient's actual need to apologise

for calling the ambulance in the first place.

Examples from a recent shift:

The patient who was practically blue,

wheezing and gasping for breath,

who uses one of those precious breaths

to utter the words

"I'm sorry to bother you."

Or, the patient who, without a second thought

having had a sore throat for an hour

decides that they need to see a doctor now,

whatever the time of day,

and when asked if he realises that he's called

an emergency ambulance,

shrugs his shoulders,

looks down his nose,

and grunts: "Bovvered?"

Putting Their Lives on the Line

I was at home enjoying some family time when it happened. But just hours after the horrendous incident in north-west London that left four police officers with serious injuries after being stabbed, I was back on duty, and this time, not a million miles away from the scene.

At a totally unrelated call, an RTC, the police had to block the road for a few minutes so that we could treat our patient safely. A driver caught up in the traffic approached one of the officers, stood toe-to-toe, and through gritted teeth and a with a horrible snarl commented: "It's no wonder you lot get stabbed."

I'm not sure I would have been as restrained as this officer was.

The police have to put up with a lot more abuse than we do, and take greater risks too. If there's a call that sounds a little suspect, we'll ask for police attendance and hide around the corner until we know it's safe. Yesterday's incident proves once again how big that risk often is. I have a great deal of respect and admiration for the police, what they do, and what they sometimes have to put up with, especially as they've saved me from a serious pounding on numerous occasions.

I hope and pray that those injured make a full and speedy recovery, both of body and soul. They deserve it.

And as far as the idiot driver who had been inconvenienced for a few minutes, well, I can't really tell you what I hope and pray for him. But I'm sure you can well imagine.

Red Rags and Suits

To a non-suit wearer, all suits look expensive, and there were several suits sitting around the table. 

"We're sorry to call you," said one of his friends. "We think he's just had too much." 

As I approached the table where he and his colleagues had hidden in the corner of the pub, the patient looked up and stared. His eyes were glazed and his look wavered as he probably tried to stop the room from moving. 

"Oh. Good. You're here. What took you so long?" The fact that it had taken less than four minutes from the call coming in had no bearing on his skewed sense of time. "I pay your wages, you know!" 

Oh. That one again. Red rags don't normally set me off, but this one did. 

"You do? How's that then?" One of these days, I'm going to come across a patient who actually works for our payroll department. Then, at least, they'd have a point to that claim. 

"Yeah, I do. My taxes pay for your job. So now, you can just do your job." 

"I'm doing my job sir," I said, as I started to check some basic observations. "And what, may I ask, is your job, sir?" 

"I'm a city banker!" He even told me the name of the bank, just for good measure. I guess I was right about the suit. 

"Oh. Then I think we're quits." 

"You what?" 

"Your taxes may pay for my job, but my taxes saved your bank and your job. And right now, sir, I'm trying to save your dignity." 

Just in time, I recognised the signs of a drunk about to eject the contents of his stomach, and side-stepped the impending eruption. Seconds later, his suit didn't look quite so expensive. 

"Ah well. There goes the dignity." 

Nurse In Charge

The nurse in charge sees us walking Martha into the department. 

"Stop right there!" She shouts. "She's not coming in here unless she's been searched!" 

Back at Martha's house, we had spent an hour negotiating with her, at first through a closed door, and then, finally, face to face after she agreed to let us in. She seemed pleased with her achievements, proudly listing the cocktail of drugs and alcohol that she'd ingested over the previous hour or two. If what she told us was accurate, or even close to it, she would need some serious medical attention, and quickly. 

"Of course she's been searched. The police even stopped her bringing a large kitchen knife with her." 

As we were about to leave, Martha asked if she could go back to the kitchen to get her packet of cigarettes. I waited by the front door as a police officer accompanied her back into the house. Suddenly, he shouted at her to "Put that down!" at which point I saw Martha return a knife to the kitchen drawer. Grinning manically, she put the cigarettes in her hand bag, and we all made our way to the ambulance.

"I don't care. She's not coming in here until she's searched again. Check everything and everywhere. Last time, she'd hidden a knife in her boot." I looked again. She was wearing knee-high boots over a pair of jeans. The two officers who had accompanied us looked at each other, and then at Martha. We all moved into a side room, the eagle-eyed nurse in charge watching every move. 

As she was searched again, Martha started a search of her own. 

"Where's my handbag?" 

I had a quick glance around the room and just outside too. The bag was nowhere to be seen. 

"Must still be in the ambulance. I'll go get it."

The handbag had been in the kitchen, the cigarettes were shoved inside, and Martha had turned her back to us for a second to pick up a lighter too. "No point having ciggies and no fire to light 'em with!" she'd said at the time. "You coppers need to lighten up a little!"


I think that all men struggle to know what to do when asked to hold a lady's handbag. We struggle to look at ease, for fear of looking, too, well, at ease, really. I walked back in to the department, looking and feeling a little uncomfortable, clutching the handbag at the top and letting the handles hang loose by the sides. Stepping back in to the side room, I attempt to hand the bag back to Martha.

"Oh. No. You. Don't... Not. Before. It's searched!" The emphasis of every word, every syllable did the trick, and I gave the bag to the officer. He opened it up, and blue-gloved hands rummaged through the contents. There were dozens of pieces of paper, chocolate wrappers, lipsticks, a packet of cigarettes and lighter. Right at the bottom, hidden by everything that had been thrown on top, was a serrated kitchen knife, with a six inch blade.

"And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I'm in charge, and Martha isn't."

And to think how close I was to that knife, all the way to hospital...

Gossip Monger

It's taken a while to get used to the new radios, not that they've been a bad thing, especially for someone who spends most of their time working solo. Prior to their arrival, the only communication we had with the control room was if we were still in the ambulance or the car. Failing that, we could use our own mobiles or even the patient's phone, sometimes dialling 999 if it was particularly urgent. Summoning police in a hurry often involved one of the crew running back to the ambulance and calling for help whilst leaving their partner facing whatever the danger was. A solo worker was even more isolated. 

There was, however, certainly as the people on the front line, one advantage to the old radios: they were an open channel. As long as you were on that channel, you could hear everything that was going on with all the ambulances in your sector, and therefore it was often the people you knew best. If you heard them calling for extra help, for whatever reason, you could call up and offer that help. Now the channels are blocked. Communications are direct between a radio and the control room. 

The airwaves are silent most of the time, except for the control room sending out "General Broadcasts" advising of calls waiting for ambulances, and other general information. Even these seem to have reduced in number now that they can send messages down the MDTs (mobile data terminals, or, for ease of use, the computer screens on which we get our calls). Communicating to the whole sector is still possible, but is very much frowned upon, except in one instance. If you need help in a hurry. 

On top of the new handsets is an orange button. Press and hold that for a second or two, and everyone else on your channel hears you. No need to push any buttons to talk, your mic is open and hands-free. Everyone else's radios flash bright, and make an alarming sound. In the control room the radio-op has a similar sequence of events and alarm bells sounding. Nine times out of ten, the next words you hear are a crew discussing how upset they are at yet another hospital banning them from the coffee and tea, or some slanderous gossip or rumour, or even someone dealing calmly with a patient. Nine times out of ten, the button has been accidentally pressed, control checks in to make sure that all is well, and nine times out of ten the crew will apologise and spend the next few minutes panicking about what may or may not have been said as the world and his wife were listening. 

A while back, I hit the orange button. On purpose. 

The next words everyone heard were probably a garbled stream, and would have looked good on an old-fashioned Batman TV show: 

"Get off!" "Step back!" THUD "Ow!" SMASH 

"Red Base, I need police on the hurry up!"

"Z751, are you OK?" Control actually sounded a little worried.

"NO!" BANG "I need police! NOW!" "OY, GET OFF!"

I think the magic of the hands-free open-mic only lasts for ten or twenty seconds, so that's probably all they heard. Luckily, probably. Profanities are not welcome across the ether. 

At that point, a crew turned up, not realising what they were about to walk in to, especially as they're on a different radio channel and hadn't heard my calls for help. An innocuous sounding call with little prior information other than the fact that the patient was crying doesn't normally call for any concern. 

The next few seconds, maybe minutes, are a bit hazy. One of the crew waded in trying to help get the patient away from me as the other called again for back-up. Between us we tried to get him down on the floor, both for our safety and his. We failed miserably. In the background I could make out the sounds of several sirens, and a few seconds later half a dozen police officers ran in. 

"Someone call the cavalry?" 

"Er, yes! He's all yours!"

In a blur of arms, legs, handcuffs, swear words, brute force and brilliant technique, the patient, high on illicit drugs and alcohol, was finally subdued and taken into custody. It took all six officers to deal with him, so my pride wasn't too dented by the fact that I couldn't do it on my own. Still, malicious thoughts (often spoken in jest) of using an oxygen cylinder as a weapon came all-too-close to being a reality. 

I drove back to station, covered in my blood and his, uniform ripped and with a sore shoulder and back. On the way back I phoned control to thank them for their prompt assistance and told them that during the events I'd made a new discovery. 

"What's that then?"

"I now know that the orange button isn't just for accidentally spreading gossip!" 

"Well, you say that, but now everyone's talking about you!"

"Oh." 

The Night After

It was one of those nights. I only saw five patients. 

1) Drunk, fallen asleep in the street. Told me to get lost. Not quite as politely as that, however. Then proceeded to walk straight into a wall.

2) Drunk, fallen over in the street. Told me I need a shave, which I do, and that I speak good English for a Chinaman, which I'm not. Also, I need to go back to China, where I come from, "'cos we don't need no more foreigners in the country." Nice.

3) Drunk, fallen over at home, slightly apologetic. Slightly better natured than the previous two. Things were looking up. But not for long.

4) Drunk, violent and nasty, high on drugs to boot. I got covered in his blood as well as mine as I tried to stop him killing both himself and me, before the police turned up and looked after him. Things were looking grim again. 

5) Drunk, unconscious and very seriously injured after a high speed impact with the road. Definitely grim. Grim for me, as it was pouring with rain, but that's nothing. It's much more grim for him. He's probably going to die, assuming he hasn't already.

I'm back at work in a few hours. The night after the night before. I hope it's a better one. For everyone.

Convoys II

...
We were given a police radio, instructed in its use and told just to listen and not talk, unless we found ourselves in immediate danger. Out of hearing range from the scene, we were the only ones who didn't need an earpiece for the radio, so all four of us could listen in. We heard as orders were given, roadblocks inserted, a sterile area set up and snipers took up their positions. Further instructions were repeated and confirmed by the officers, and as each group arrived at its starting point, the radio traffic stopped and a tense silence filled the air.

Suddenly, an order is barked across the airwaves. 

"GO! GO! GO!" 

I knew exactly what was about to happen, and couldn't help thinking back again to the days when I would have been a part of the action. There's nothing quite like the feeling of adrenaline coursing through the body, that mix of anxiety, fear, anticipation and knowledge that you were doing a dangerous job that had to be done. The feeling that you were looking out for others, and that they were doing the same for you. Trusting someone with your life loses its cliche status when you have to do it for real.

Information was shouted back and forth, much of it in pre-agreed codes, some of which I could remember, others not. We couldn't see or hear the actual raid, but each radio message gave us another snippet of information as to how it was progressing. After a short few minutes, even before the information had been relayed by radio, we knew it was all over. 

In the distance, a police motorbike had switched its blue lights back on, and several other of the vehicles followed suit. No more than thirty seconds passed, when the call came for us. 

"Ambulance crews come forwards. Scene is secure."

Being told that the scene was secure gave us no clues as to what we would see when we pulled up. The senior officer met us outside, and gave us a brief overview. The fact that he was speaking to us at all calmed us down and left us with the feeling that there were certainly no officers hurt, and that there were no serious injuries at all. 

"They're in two rooms down in the basement. We've got no idea how long they've been there, but it must be some time." 

The tip-off note had told the police of one or two hostages, and as he spoke in plural, we presumed it was the latter. The narrow concrete stairs were lit by the dull green glow of an emergency exit sign at the top, whilst a small glint of light appeared down at the bottom from behind a wooden door. Several voices wafted their way towards us, some talking, some moaning, some crying. Nothing could have prepared us for what we saw.

Wearing nothing but underwear, nearly twenty men, aged from their teens to their sixties, were having their hands and feet untied by countless police officers. Several still had masking tape across their mouths that they were now trying to remove as gently as possible. Some didn't care about the pain, ripping the tape off in a swift motion, relieved to be finally freed of their shackles. A few could do nothing but hang on to the police officers who were the first into the room. The sight of scarcely clothed, emaciated men clinging tearfully to heavily armed and armoured police was one which would not leave my visions for some time.

They had been in that basement for anything up to a year, having been smuggled out of their home country by various means. On a promise of a better life, they were told they were headed for jobs that would keep them housed and cared for, and their families financed and fed. In reality, they'd been held as servants and slaves. They were beaten regularly, and tied up in the basement every night. A few of them had obvious fractures that had healed badly, arms and legs at unnatural angles. All were bruised, dehydrated and malnourished, like a picture from a prisoner-of-war camp.

One by one, they were either assisted or carried up the stairs, the most seriously injured or ill to waiting ambulances that had been requested the second we walked in, the rest were helped into a police minibus. At the same time, the handful of people who'd held their own captives turned into prisoners themselves. Handcuffs firmly in place, each guarded by at least two officers, they were placed in prison vans and driven away in a line of flashing blue lights.

In the opposite direction, guarded front and back by police bikes, a convoy of ambulances carrying a fragile but relieved cargo, gently snaked its way to hospital. 

Teddy

The room was on the third floor, not in an apartment block - but a private home. The driveway was the length of many suburban streets, and the private estate on which the house sits could pass for a royal residence. The country park feel only added to its charm, but at the same time left the scene feeling cold.

"He's just in here. I won't come in with you, because he screams each time I step into the room."

The room is also massive. Floor to ceiling mirrored wardrobe doors only added to the size making it seem twice as big. An en-suite bathroom cleverly hidden in the far corner. In there, huddled in a corner with his knees under his chin, sat the terrified figure of an eight year old boy.

"He's been fine up until the last few days, maybe a couple of weeks I guess. Can't work out what's bothering him. He's slowly stopped talking, hardly eats, hardly sleeps, and has started wetting his bed at night. He won't let me help him get dressed, won't let me check his school bag, hates going to school which he used to love doing and he doesn't want me to step into his room! Now he won't even come out of the bathroom!"

"Alright. I'll try to talk to him. What's his name?"

"Andy. Andrew really, that's what we christened him, but nobody calls him that."

I step into the bathroom and sit down on the floor by the door. Andy tries to scrunch himself up into an even smaller ball, pressing his legs to his chest and shutting his eyes as tightly as he could. I notice a small bruise on his forehead, an almost ever-present mark on any young boy's head.

"Hi Andy. My name's Ben. Your mum tells me your not feeling too good, can you tell me what's wrong?"

Without a sound, he turns himself towards the wall, facing away from me. I kept my distance and pondered my next step. Children are not small adults, they're child-sized, fully-grown children. You can't just talk down to them - you need to look them in the eye and speak at their level. Sitting cross-legged on the floor of the bathroom was starting to get uncomfortable. 

"Andy, is something hurting you?" 

Without looking up he shook his head from side to side. 

"Do you feel sick?"

Same response again. I asked Andy's mother if he had a favourite toy, and without a word she left and returned a moment later with a teddy-bear. 

"Andy, would you prefer to show me what's wrong on the teddy?" 

A shrug of the shoulders was the closest Andy came to cooperating. I handed him the bear and asked him to show me what had happened, but he sat just as still as before. 

"Shall I ask teddy instead?" It felt wrong to be treating an eight-year-old as though he was still a toddler, but it seemed to work. Andy nodded his approval and I addressed teddy instead as he sat hugged tight by his owner. 

"Teddy, does your tummy hurt? Have you bumped your head? Has somebody said something not nice to you?" 

All the questions were met with a tough silence and a shake of the head. 

"Why don't you show me what's happened then? I'll stop guessing, and you can just tell me. Does that sound OK to you?" 

After a few moments, Andy suddenly stood up from under the sink, turned on the tap and stuck teddy's head under the stream of cold water. He then turned the tap off, and started hitting the teddy's head on the sink.

Suddenly, having taken out all his anger, the teddy's arm fell off. 

Andy sank to the floor, curled himself back up in a ball and sobbed uncontrollably. I turned round to see his mother in the same state, tears streaming silently down her cheeks, all the answers she'd been seeking suddenly hitting her like a juggernaut.

"Andy, I think you and teddy need to speak to someone like a doctor. Mum can come too. I can put a bandage on teddy's arm for now if you like. Will that be alright with you?

Andy looked at teddy who turned his head to look back. They both nodded their approval. 

Central Locking

Before the old ambulances could be completely replaced, we were treated to a smattering of new vehicles. Shiny yellow, with a trendy battenberg design all the way round, and as an extra confusion, diesel engines rather than the lawn-mower type petrol ones. Many a medic would be caught out in the first few months by feeding the engines with the wrong fuel.

They were hardly loved, those old LDV's. Nothing more than vans that had been given blue flashing lights for the roof and the front grill. Meat wagons. Loud, growling engines that would wake an entire street at three in the morning, but which you had no choice sometimes but to leave running, just to make sure that you still had some battery power by the time the patient had been recovered from the scene and placed on board. The three battery lights on the front would give the cab a disco feeling as they would all start off a tired red, change through slumbering amber and on their way to eager green, each individually, each moving backwards and forwards through the sequences depending on what the driver tried to get out of the engine.

At least the temperature control was reliable. The heating would completely fail in the winter, and work whether you liked it or not on the hottest days of summer. The air-conditioning never worked - there simply wasn't any. Anything that broke, fell apart or went missing was fixed with tape, a staple of any medic's armoury, along with all the medical stuff, and in fact probably higher on the priority list than most of the real kit.

In their final days, as they sensed the day of judgement and their own demise, they mounted a rebellion. They had a knack for trying to poison the occupants by filling the cab with noxious gases that would leave crews needing oxygen therapy themselves. Finally, not so long ago, and at least five years past their best, the last of the old fleet were mothballed.

In the early days of the new Mercedes ambulances there would be fights as to which crew would have the privilege of owning it for the shift. Those on the longest shift thought they were entitled to it, or those who were taking the longest transfer. The lure of the softer suspension, gentler ride, and most importantly the ability to control the internal temperature were cause for more than one disagreement. Yet, as the younger members of staff would argue over the newest, shiniest ambulances, the old guard would reminisce about the wondrous days of sliding doors, scoop-and-run, and were often mocked about their memories of the horse-and-cart. Finally, after several weeks of watching others enjoy the pleasures of the new arrival, it was my turn, and as I tried to climb in the passenger side door, I discovered one more novelty that the old trucks lacked - central locking.

Dean took the keys and control of the vehicle for the day, I never even got a look-in, not that I minded particularly. Even from the earliest days in this job I've preferred to attend rather than drive. Dean, however, was like a kid in a sweet shop who'd been given free run of the shelves, and loved every minute of finally driving a vehicle that responded as an emergency ambulance should. After a few routine calls, we were tasked to a call given as a man with a serious laceration to his arm caused by broken glass.

Arriving at the call a few minutes later, we took out the normal bags, as well as an extra bag of bandages. A trail of blood stretched across the pavement by where we'd parked, down the paved driveway and into the house that was about thirty metres away. Dean locked the ambulance. We started to walk towards the house and as we opened the porch door, a figure started to run towards us and stopped us in our tracks. As he came nearer, we saw that he wasn't alone, but carrying what looked to be a knife behind his back. We could just see the handle and a glint of metal, but that was enough. 

We stepped back out, backpedalling at speed, and Dean had the presence of mind to slide the porch door shut in a hurry. Still carrying all our kit, we ran back to the ambulance, and tried to climb back in, only to find that the doors, for the first time ever, were locked. Our "patient" had almost caught up with us, and now all I saw was the knife, which turned out to be a samurai sword being waved menacingly above his head and coming ever closer. I dropped the bags.

"Open the doors!" I screamed to Dean. 

"I can't! The bloody things won't open!"

"IT'S THE CENTRAL LOCKING!!! USE THE KEY!!!" 

Dean fumbled in his pocket for the unfamiliar key, whilst we both ran round and round the ambulance trying to avoid being sliced in half. Dean yelled to a neighbour to call the police, as this was before the days when we had personal radios, and our only means of communication were, like our safe haven, locked inside the ambulance. Eventually there was a standoff, where we stood at 180 degrees to each other - us on one side - and a sword wielding maniac on the other, but all three of us standing by doors. If we unlocked the ambulance, he could get inside just as quickly as we could. We worked out a plan where we could hold him away from an access for just long enough to unlock the doors, climb inside and re-lock the ambulance before he'd climb in. Another couple of circuits of the ambulance and we'd finally positioned ourselves as per the plan, and miraculously managed to pull it off. 

"Control, this is Z321, we need urgent police assistance!"

"Z321, received. Can you tell us what's happening?" 

As I tried to catch my breath, I told them in half sentences what had happened and they promised to arrange for the police to attend. Our sword-swinging friend had finally realised he couldn't get in, and instead took to trying to smash the windscreen, which thankfully held fast. Any interested bystanders had quickly seen sense and fled back into the safety of their own homes, and as he turned away to pick up one of our discarded pieces of kit, we had just enough time for Dean to beat a hasty retreat, far enough to be safe, but close enough to still see the scene. Ninety seconds later, the first of the police units arrived, closely followed by several more. 

We watched from afar as our patient was quickly bundled to the ground by half a dozen officers, the sword wrenched from his grip, and he was placed in the back of a police car. Not without a struggle, but it wasn't a very long one. Slowly, Dean turned the ambulance round and we headed back to the scene, safe in the knowledge that neither assailant nor weapon were now of any threat. Stopping alongside one of the officers, I wound down the window and briefly explained again what had happened. 

"We'll need a full statement," said the officer, "we can do it here or back at the nick." 

"Might as well do it here. At least we've got air-conditioning." I climbed through the door between the cab and the back of the ambulance as the officer tried to open the back door from the outside. 

"Can't open it!" he said, "Must be jammed!" 

"Oh. Yeah. That'll be the central locking..." 

Dean pressed the button that magically unlocked every door to the ambulance. 

"Must remember not to lock these in future, especially on samurai-sword calls. Too bloody dangerous!"