Defeat

After my election manifesto of a little while ago, I received some feedback and suggestions of improvements and additions. I nominated members of the Cabinet in the comments section, and prepared for my move to the seat of power.

It would seem however, that not everyone liked my proposals. I was sent the following copy of the minutes from a secret meeting of medical specialists:

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The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the ideas short-sighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the arseholes in Government.

*****

In light of the above, I concede defeat.

Thanks to my secret souRCe. You know who you are...

Elections

Chaos reigns in this country at the moment. We've had a General Election and have managed to elect precisely no new government. Nor did the old one win either. The electorate, all full of fire and brimstone due to various misdemeanors allegedly undertaken by the lawmakers in Parliament, threatened to sack the lot. Anger, fury and threats turned out to be a damp squib, full of talk but devoid of real action, and the vast majority voted for no majority at all. Welcome to limbo-land.

I, however, have a manifesto of two policies only, both of which will hopefully guarantee me the vote of the entire front-line ambulance community. I'm sure that not a single other person would vote for me, but at least I'd be assured of tens of thousands of green-uniformed votes.

THE GREEN-UNIFORMED INSOMNIAC'S PARTY - A MANIFESTO

Item 1: The Law of Visibility

This law defines the rules relating to the ability of ambulance crews to easily identify the location of their patients.

- All properties are required, by law, to have their property number and/or name displayed in such a manner that it can be seen clearly, using the naked eye, from the road.

- The number should be visible by all emergency vehicles whilst driving past, day or night, at speeds of up to 70 miles per hour without blurring.

- If necessary, a flag-pole must be erected and a flag bearing the number of the house flown at full-mast.

- All streets must number their houses sequentially, odds on one side, evens on the other. Any streets already otherwise numbered must display a 10 foot high neon sign at the top and bottom of the street to indicate the irregularity.

Item 2: The Law of Sod

This law relates to the tendency of patients to collapse in the most difficult surroundings possible.

- All toilet doors must be built with doors that open outwards.

- All toilet doors must be built with the ability to unlock from the outside.

- All toilets must have enough room to allow for one occupant and two rescuers to enter simultaneously and not involve either stepping on the occupant, sitting on the toilet seat instead of the occupant, or partially hanging out of the window whilst rescuing said occupant.

- All toilet rescues are to be carried out without the relative of the collapsed occupant having already gained access first, but by so doing prevented other rescuers getting in without having to sit on their lap.

THUS ENDETH THE MANIFESTO OF THE GREEN-UNIFORMED INSOMNIAC'S PARTY.

So, are you going to vote for change?

Vote for stability?

Vote for the sane?

Or are you going to vote for me?