Tuesday, 11 May 2010


Chaos reigns in this country at the moment. We've had a General Election and have managed to elect precisely no new government. Nor did the old one win either. The electorate, all full of fire and brimstone due to various misdemeanors allegedly undertaken by the lawmakers in Parliament, threatened to sack the lot. Anger, fury and threats turned out to be a damp squib, full of talk but devoid of real action, and the vast majority voted for no majority at all. Welcome to limbo-land.

I, however, have a manifesto of two policies only, both of which will hopefully guarantee me the vote of the entire front-line ambulance community. I'm sure that not a single other person would vote for me, but at least I'd be assured of tens of thousands of green-uniformed votes.

Item 1: The Law of Visibility

This law defines the rules relating to the ability of ambulance crews to easily identify the location of their patients.

- All properties are required, by law, to have their property number and/or name displayed in such a manner that it can be seen clearly, using the naked eye, from the road.

- The number should be visible by all emergency vehicles whilst driving past, day or night, at speeds of up to 70 miles per hour without blurring.

- If necessary, a flag-pole must be erected and a flag bearing the number of the house flown at full-mast.

- All streets must number their houses sequentially, odds on one side, evens on the other. Any streets already otherwise numbered must display a 10 foot high neon sign at the top and bottom of the street to indicate the irregularity.

Item 2: The Law of Sod

This law relates to the tendency of patients to collapse in the most difficult surroundings possible.

- All toilet doors must be built with doors that open outwards.

- All toilet doors must be built with the ability to unlock from the outside.

- All toilets must have enough room to allow for one occupant and two rescuers to enter simultaneously and not involve either stepping on the occupant, sitting on the toilet seat instead of the occupant, or partially hanging out of the window whilst rescuing said occupant.

- All toilet rescues are to be carried out without the relative of the collapsed occupant having already gained access first, but by so doing prevented other rescuers getting in without having to sit on their lap.


So, are you going to vote for change?

Vote for stability?

Vote for the sane?

Or are you going to vote for me?


Anonymous said...

Are there enough green-uniformed voters in any single constituency?

Alternatively, all green-uniformed voters should move to Brighton Pavilion (well at least it is already Green).

How about a coalition with the police and fire services?

Uno Hoo

Anonymous said...

Ever though of forming a coalition with the Monster Raving Loony Party? You could become their (ad)minister for health.

Ibn Yatzbaz

Fee said...

You've got my vote on one condition:

make it a hanging offence to park so badly in a narrow 1930s street that the emergency services can't get through.

That way, my neighbour won't have to be carried 200 yards to the ambulance if he has another heart attack.

Jess said...

Could I amend the Law Of Sod to add "If you suddenly feel unwell, do not call the ambulance and then go upstairs to await their arrival. Stay on the sofa, they'll still believe you're sick!"

Mrs RRD said...

I for one would vote for you!

I think you should have a third item however.
The Law of Awareness.

Having driven with RRD many times, I think a law for all other road users should be passed, ensuring that, where available, drivers actually use the mirrors on their vehicles, cyclists and pedestrians use their eyes and ears so they can all see and hear the sirens and actually notice those flashing blue lights coming from behind them or even in front of them!
They should then know exactly what the correct action to take is, rather than stopping in the most inappropriate place or not moving out of the way at all!

I never fail to be amazed at the behaviour of road users in such a situation and how dangerous, not to mention irritating it is for a blue light driver.

InsomniacMedic said...

Well that's the first three cabinet posts sorted:
Fee - minister for intelligence
Jess - minister for common sense
Mrs RRD - minister for traffic

Thanks peeps! keep the ideas coming

RapidResponseDoc said...

Well, how can I resist...

The Law of Plonkers - if you have a papercut, DON'T CALL AN AMBULANCE!!!!

InsomniacMedic said...

Oh damn - missed two earlier ministers - technical incompetence (ie didn't scroll up...)

Uno Hoo - Minister for service collaboration

Ibn - Minister for poor puns.

And Doc - Can I really? - Minister for Plonkers???


Fee said...

Minister for Intelligence?????

Intelligence in government? That's going to be the smallest department in Whitehall, surely? Like, maybe just me? In a broom cupboard. With a telephone, if I'm lucky.

EMT GFP said...

My personal favorite, perhaps to be tacked onto to the Law of Awareness:

If its big, brightly coloured, flashing lights, and has people in various forms of uniforms standing around it, don't drive towards it! Drive away!

I cannot tell you how often I see people who should be moving away from rescuers, move towards them like moths to a flame because its big and has flashing lights.

Jess said...

On driving, it's quite simple people, all I want you to do is stop. Not put your indicator on but not slow down. Not pull over a bit but keep going - I can't get through the rapidly closing gap with the oncoming car. Especially not when there are solid white lines - they mean I can't overtake you?

But don't suddenly decide to stop on a blind bend/summit/other completely daft place

Big white box with blue flashy lights and big noisy siren = pull over and stop safely. It's not hard.

Raindog said...

Amen to Items #1 and #2.