Signs of Life

A thin sliver of sky turned from dark to dawn as a new day started to break over the horizon. Birds hidden in the leafy trees sang their chorus as two ambulances arrived simultaneously, shattering the peace. A police officer stood banging on the front window trying to raise the occupant's attention. As we joined him, a neighbour approached. 

"She hasn't moved from that chair for days. I reckon she's dead by now!"

"And what made you call us this morning, instead of days ago?" 

"Not sure. I was just about to go to work, I'm a tube driver, y'know, that's why I start early and thought that this is ridiculous. So anyway, I called the Old Bill. Why don't they just smash the door in?" Six sentences all at once left me wondering which to deal with first. 

"I think they need to make sure that that's absolutely necessary before they take drastic measures. Believe me, if they think that they need to, they will." 

I stood alongside the officer at the window, and could see now why they weren't breaking the door down. Despite the occupant being somewhat obscured by a television and some other household furniture, we could clearly see the rhythmic movements of someone breathing regularly. 

"She's deaf y'know!" We all turned to look at the neighbour. "Last fifteen years she can't hear a bloody thing if she ain't got 'er aids in! I think she leaves 'em out on purpose sometimes!"

"You didn't think to tell us that ten minutes ago when we started waking the neighbourhood?" 

"Errr... Sorry." 

"How old is she, anyway?"

"Dunno. 'Bout eigh'y, nine'y I guess." 

A police van turned up carrying the duty sergeant who was quickly brought up to date on the story so far. I shot him a mocking look, knowing that it's rare for stripes to come out when it's dark. 

"Slow night." He shrugged and smiled. "Fancied some action!" 

He suggested using the van's search light as a last attempt at waking the probably slumbering lady before having no option and breaking in through the front door. All we needed was a sign of coherent life, and we could leave her alone. 

The van was moved onto the vacant driveway. Apparently she "gave up driving when she gave up listening." 

"Well," said the sarge, "if this doesn't wake her up, we'll have to use a heavy boot. Just make sure that if she does wake up you turn the beam off straight away. Either that or she'll be blind as well as deaf!" 

The light was switched on, and the beam hit the target straight in the face. She stirred after a few seconds, and the searchlight was turned back off again, as ordered. As we all breathed a sigh of relief, she opened her eyes, picked up one of her hearing aids from the coffee table next to her and marched towards the window. She fumbled with a small key, unlocked the double glazed window, opened it only a few millimetres and turned her ear towards it. 

"Sorry to wake you ma'am," starts the sergeant, "we were worried something was wrong, and had to make sure you weren't injured or ill." 

"Thank you officer. As you can see, I'm fine. No need for anyone to worry." 

"We have the ambulance here too, if you'd like to let them in. They can just make sure." 

"I don't think that's necessary, thank you." 

"Are you sure?" 

"I'm sure. Don't worry... Actually," she said having paused for a few seconds, possibly debating the idea of a home-visit check-up, "there's just one thing you could do for me, if you don't mind?"

"Sure. What's that?" 

"Just F*** OFF AND LET ME SLEEP!"

She slammed the window shut, locked it, and made a point of showing us all that she was once again removing the hearing aid. As she sat back down in her armchair, she looked round the television that obscured our view, raised her arm, and as a final wave goodbye, stuck up her middle finger.

"That'll do!" I said. "I reckon that's enough signs of life for me!"

Toilet Humour

So I know that it wasn't Jeramedic who started this meme (I had to learn what a meme was too...), but as he tagged me, I'm blaming him for it. He wanted to know, and now you'll all find out...

I'm not normally one to partake of these 21st century chain letters, but as I know that the whole subject is one of constant irritation to MrsInsomniacMedic, I couldn't really resist.

This whole idea was started by Lissa. Nope, I've no idea who that is either - but as she's started the whole thing, I guess she gets the credit too.

And now, whether you wanted to or not, you'll find out what sits on the bookshelf in the bathroom. OK, it's the window sill, and not yet a bookshelf, but still.

1) There are the books that are there permanently. Probably my favourite cartoon strip of all times. Because of the sleeping issue. Because of the coffee issue. Because of the wicked sense of humour issue.

I. Love. Garfield.

So I have two books of the comic strip in there.

2) There is the book that I'm currently reading. My taste in novels ranges from the sublime to the ridiculous, from new to old, from Harry Potter to To Kill a Mockingbird, but at the moment it's Enigma by Robert Harris, on the Enigma machines used by the Nazi regime to send coded messages, and the attempts at breaking that code.

3) Then, of course, is my favourite book ever. The book which this blog was originally named after, and to which there are many references, some subtle and some not so, throughout. It is, of course, The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. I started reading this book (and the other four of the increasingly inaccurately named trilogy) on the train to school. I'd giggle quietly to myself and get some funny looks, which then became stares of embarrassment and even concern when the giggles turned to roaring laughter. Today, it's my insomnia partner. When, once again, I can't sleep, I pick it up out of the bathroom and read it in bed, knowing lots of it almost off by heart. And still roaring with laughter. I guess you could call it toilet humour...

So now, who do I tag? I think I'll try to send this round the world.

I guess I'll have to pick on Fishmedic to start with as our European representative, despite the recent football score.

For someone in the UK, but outside of the medical field, I'm going to tag The Buffoon, as his blog has much the same effect on me as Hitchhikers.

And last but not least, all the way on the other side of the world, Flobach is invited to share his readings too!

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Happy Reading!

Defeat

After my election manifesto of a little while ago, I received some feedback and suggestions of improvements and additions. I nominated members of the Cabinet in the comments section, and prepared for my move to the seat of power.

It would seem however, that not everyone liked my proposals. I was sent the following copy of the minutes from a secret meeting of medical specialists:

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The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the ideas short-sighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the arseholes in Government.

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In light of the above, I concede defeat.

Thanks to my secret souRCe. You know who you are...